Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It is going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we're making them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from location. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until the drone flies")

In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let's have A different put where American men can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: offer everyone a set about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This can be soft electric power," explained political Trump Tower Damascus strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he should cease working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked about the task, replied, "You realize, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Superior folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."

Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a feature getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… effectively, classified.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.

"It is really not only unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Functions

Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:

A silent atrium where attendees may ponder imprecise disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Handle set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Community Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing and advertising Approach: "Should you Bomb It, They'll Appear"

The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Forever."

Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:

"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."

Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge shows:

34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"

29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% stated "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"

The job is presently attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, together with:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also contain:

A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War

Comment Area Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to hold out to determine a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Finally, a hotel where my PTSD might have transform-down company."

Another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories propose:

China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Last Thoughts in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Within a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It wanted gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."